Friday, July 2, 2010

What do I want to be when I grow up??

I might need to change the title of this as it looks like my time in the coffee biz may be coming to a close. A cut in hours has made me seriously start to look for another gig. Not because I am unhappy at my current place of employ, but due to the fact that they have had to cut hours across the board and it is no longer financially possible for me stay there. I need to make rent and when my work is no longer allowing me to do so I need to look elsewhere. And so I find myself pondering the question, what do I want to be when I grow up?

I thought I knew the answer to the above question, and for years and pursued that dream with a singled minded fanaticism. I gave up a stable job history, financial stability, stable friendships, relationships, living anywhere near my family, and living like a normal adult. I spent six years as a gypsy, going from gig to gig, climbing I believed, the ladder to success. I got pretty far before my lack of expreince and the fact that I was working against my natural talents, well, bit me in the ass. I was tired, worn out, and sick of having my ass completely kicked in by my job. I just wanted to stay somewhere for more than 6 months, and damn it I still had 5 months left on my lease.

So I took the first job that could possibly pay the bills. I became a barista. And for the most part its a pretty ok gig. Besides the fact that there is no opportunity for promotion ( I work in a currently overstaffed local coffee shop) and the financial rewards were just enough to barely make ends meet. But I was sick of hustling for a job so I made the best of situation until it became untenable. So I'm back to looking for work and again I am faced with the question I successfully ignored for a year. If I'm not a Props Artisan, what the hell do I want to be?

I never have known the answer to that question. I latched on to theatre in high school because they gave me power tools and it was a lot of fun working on team, and there was a tangible goal. I told myself that this was it, this is what I wanted to be. And on every occasion that I questioned that idea, I told myself to shut the hell up cause I couldn't think of better career path.

I am a passionate person and when I am not involved in something I care passionately about I wilt. And I haven't connected to something that I care about deeply for the better part of a year and I feel huge chunks of me languishing. So I've been trying to come up with a list. And I haven't got very far. Here's the list, museum curation, archeology, historian, teacher, professional crazy, going back to theatre, and finding a way for someone else to pay for me to travel while I keep my current apartment. As you can see, easily achievable goals.

I guess that's why I sit in limbo, I can't envision anything clearly. I see no good path, and I refuse to go charging down a path with no clear goal in sight.

But I have to find something else to pay the bills. Something hopefully a little more grown up and with vacation. I really need one.

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